Still Missing Dad
Aug. 19th, 2024 07:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nyykiAs of 11am today, my dad has been gone for five years. Amazing how time flies and manages to stay aloft carrying everything it does.
I got a decent resolution with him. My brother didn't, and he's hurt and angry about it, but something I don't say is that he created that situation by cutting Dad off (he cut me out of his life too). With Mom gone for so long (she and my two half sisters died in a car accident in 1981 -- I wish I'd had a chance to meet them, I didn't know they existed), My brother and I are orphans in the purest sense of the term. That's been different. Yeah, my stepmonster is still around, only the good die young, but she doesn't want to have me in her life and I definitely don't want her in mine -- everything these days is couched in political affiliation, and I have no knowledge of hers, though I am pretty sure I know what she'd say. That's not it, it's that she's a mean bigoted cigarette smoking drunk who's plagued by a Fundamentalist upbringing and sees only black and white in anything.
Five years. Time is weird with how it can plod along at the same time It's racing by in something else. Losing that foundation in my life has made me feel far more alone. Something to work on.
I got a decent resolution with him. My brother didn't, and he's hurt and angry about it, but something I don't say is that he created that situation by cutting Dad off (he cut me out of his life too). With Mom gone for so long (she and my two half sisters died in a car accident in 1981 -- I wish I'd had a chance to meet them, I didn't know they existed), My brother and I are orphans in the purest sense of the term. That's been different. Yeah, my stepmonster is still around, only the good die young, but she doesn't want to have me in her life and I definitely don't want her in mine -- everything these days is couched in political affiliation, and I have no knowledge of hers, though I am pretty sure I know what she'd say. That's not it, it's that she's a mean bigoted cigarette smoking drunk who's plagued by a Fundamentalist upbringing and sees only black and white in anything.
Five years. Time is weird with how it can plod along at the same time It's racing by in something else. Losing that foundation in my life has made me feel far more alone. Something to work on.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-20 03:13 am (UTC)I am pre-loading grief, also, in that Dad may yet die soon, and I might need to be level headed and fly to WV for the purpose of being the person who calls all the places and sets up all the services. Most of the family that actually liked Dad will not be okay; and I will find them light projects to do, like picking out decor for the funeral and sending them to find paperwork and such. I can do the cognitively hard stuff so that nobody has a meltdown, and make the process easier on everyone, including me.
Did you have a person like that, when your dad died? Who executed most of the estate stuff, or was it a team effort? I hope you had either room to breathe and weep, or time to set aside your feelings and do things until the worst of the immediacy of the grief had passed, as your nervous system decided.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-20 03:31 am (UTC)Oh boy, that opens a can of menudo. Indications are that my half-brother destroyed my dad's will so he could take control of everything. No, it wasn't easy at all, and my brother was duped into solidarity with the half-brother. I did arrange a memorial service in a park near the place where he grew up, something we'd discussed and he liked a lot. But it was a high stress day with everything I tried to do to honor his wishes getting pulled in another direction he wouldn't have liked. And my half-brother also alienated my former roommate, who was close to my dad -- when he'd go out of town he'd have her come to his place to take care of the dogs, and he also turned her on to bookkeeping customers. The way I survived it was thanks to a very cogent direction from a noncorporeal source, and the memory that both my siblings were lamenting that they didn't get to know him and be there for the end of his life. More important, near that time, before he got into a rehab center for his foot wound, I managed to tell him I loved him, and he responded back that he loved me too. And the last time I was in the same room with him, he complimented me on the top I was wearing -- that represented a big hill he got over to do that.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-20 02:44 pm (UTC)I’m glad your dad got over his shit enough to recognize you, even if only at the end of things. Sometimes that’s the way that it goes.
*again-hugs again*
no subject
Date: 2024-08-20 05:09 pm (UTC)Here's where it gets far more interesting. My former roommate and I were driving from my dad's house right at five years ago and I was in a serious state, my anger making it difficult for her to drive the car (she's an empath, and when I get a good head of steam she wants to flee as fast as possible). I closed my eyelids, entered a trance state, and beseeched Hathor and Sekhmet to do something about that narcissistic prick I was half-related to. I got a clear message of, "Do not get involved. Things are already in place and if you do anything it'll hit you too." I let go of the anger, knowing higher forces were taking care of the issue.
It'll be five years this January 4th since he got his diagnosis of end stage pancreatic cancer. I wasn't told about it until much later. On March 18th a friend of mine saw his obituary on our high school's RIP group and sent me a message of condolences. He'd been dead for eight days at that point. Again, nobody bothered to tell me. I'm not stunned by this, because neither of us got along well with the other.
So yes, he's going to live only in the history statistics and perhaps in a next life, and if the latter is true I hope he's in a situation where he learns compassion is far more rewarding than greed. His mother, who was the big influence on his life and values, hasn't learned anything other than the experience of burying a child who was the sole reflection of her bloodline. I avoid contact with her as much as possible, especially after 8pm.